I know I’m alone. My kids are the only reason I have ever bothered continuing, before it was always that I was under the illusion that people cared and wanted me around, but I know that’s not true.
I hurt people, I scare people, I upset people, I do no good.
It’s taking every piece of me to not breakdown currently. All I want to do is scream into the void and cry forever. There is so much hurt and pain in me, yet I hold it together for the children. And because I don’t want to have a million people ask me about my life and what’s wrong etc. I can’t take questions or I will just collapse on the spot. It’s just so much easier to say I’ll be fine and move to the next questions. As long as people think I’m okay on the outside, they won’t try to let me inside emotions out.
People know me as someone who cares, is empathetic, calm, collected, and otherwise quiet or funny.
But behind that wall is an army fighting itself and it is all a massive mess between every emotion possible. And most of the time, the negative emotions are winning. While I can give the positive emotions an artificial boost (anti-depressants), that only lasts for so long until it wears off again and the negative thoughts manage to push their side back again.
People are probably going to think this post or this entire blog is just for the aim of gathering attention and sympathy comments, but I don’t care if no-one reads this, I just need somewhere to explode all my emotions. I don’t have any break from my head. I can’t sleep because as soon as I’m awake, my brain is telling me how much of a failure I am and it comes with the evidence to prove it.
I’m a bad person, and no-one deserves me around.
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