I know I do this a lot, but I need to start by saying I’m sorry.

I’m sorry. So, so sorry

I miss you. I miss being the person that you fell in love with back in 2017.
I want to be back home with you.

But I’m scared. I’m currently scared of my own head and my feelings to be able to think properly and help myself in the best way possible. And that is why I say that I need to be able to focus on fixing my own head before anything else.

I love you. More than anything (other than the kids which I know you’re the same with).
If I could have a magic wand and fix everything, I would use it pretty much every single day.

I currently don’t have much control over the feelings I’ve got in my head. I feel like an utter failue to you, the kids, and everyone else that knows me.
All I want to do most days is curl up and cry.
I’ve let everyone down, and all in different ways.

I want to be back home with you, but I’m scared that even spending time with you is going to cause me to break things to a point I could never ever patch things up again.
I know that you say you love me, but I believe that you love the person I used to be, and you love the idea of me going back to being like that. And I want to be like that again too. I want to be able to point at one of my problems and just say that is the problem and if I can fix that one thing, everything else will fix itself soon after.
You deserve a better me. The kids deserve a better dad.

I want to fix things, so badly

If there was something I could do to turn back time and stop me getting to this point, I would do it.

I need you to know that I want to be a better person. I want to be a husband you want to have at home, and to come home to a family that isn’t waiting for you to do everything all the time.
I’ve put in an email to the doctor to try and get help with my medication. I’ve still not heard from Talkworks, but I’m going to keep trying until I get an answer to when they’ll see me again.

I miss you <3

I want to be back to normal. I want us to be us. I don’t want to be doing any of this messing around with where we are with everything.
Yes, currently I am scared to spend time with you because I’m scared I’m going to cause more problems, I also want to be there when you wake up. I want to be able to make you coffee in the morning, take the kids so you can have a nap and so much more!

You say that the last few days have shown you a lot. I’m not sure what that means, but if it’s about how I’ve been quiet over messages, I’ve needed the space to let my mind do whatever wandering it needed to do and not keep it on a leash and let it thrash around causing more problems locally. I’d rather follow it around picking up it’s pieces, cleaning up it’s mess and making things right again once I know what it wants.